Oh hey! I have a blog now! As I write it’s still in pretty rough shape, but hopefully I’ll figure that all out in due time. Or maybe I won’t! But at least I have somewhere to barf out all my EXTREMELY important and relevant thoughts other than Facebook. Now here, I wish I had the skills to include a hyperlink over the words “important and relevant thoughts” that would lead you to one of my Facebook posts where I compare the size and shape of two different dog turds I’ve found in the street that got 3 likes… (Probably from: 1. my mother 2. a fellow turd enthusiast who is relieved they’re not the only one and 3. the socially inept aunt of an ex-boyfriend I broke up with 4 years ago who somehow still sends me Christmas gifts) But alas, no such post exists because I delete anything that doesn’t immediately get showered in heart and laugh emojis. Man if there was a Bizarro-Facebook where all of our panic-deleted posts go to roam free… now THAT is a place I would spend some time!! I don’t know about you, but I get frustrated when all I see on social media is people showing you that one part of their day (or week or month!!) that was AMAZING.

Sandra, mother of 2, wife to a man she thinks might secretly be gay because he hasn’t touched her in months yet gets a boner every time he watches Mad Men, has spent the whole morning cleaning puke off of her furniture because both her kids have gastro. This makes her late for work which forces her to park in a handicapped spot so she can make her important meeting in time. Sandra RUNS into the meeting mid-presentation but Oh… Oh no. Sandra shits her pants. Well, pencil skirt. She has gastro too. Sandra quietly picks up her things, avoiding eye contact with everybody in the room and exits the building to drive herself home. Oh for the love of GOD her car has been towed. Sandra, covered in shit, starts screaming expletives she didn’t even know were in her vocabulary and kicking the handicapped parking sign, to the great dismay of her coworkers who are watching from the lunch room. She calls herself an Uber, and walks into her home feeling defecated I MEAN defeated… but Aww! Her hubbie made her a sandwich!! And he cut it into the shape of a heart! She takes out her phone and…

*SNAP* Caption: “Came home to this after a tough day at work! Best hubbie ever!!” #blessed #honeymoon4life #tuna

GIVE US THE REAL STORY SANDRA!!!! WE ALL SAW YOU SHIT YOUR PANTS!! Anyway, this I promise you: on this blog, I will not hold back. It’s going to be tough sometimes because I’m so wired, like most of us, to be accepted and liked… but every time I have shared something really honest and vulnerable either on social media or with a real live human, not only do I feel this huge wave of relief because I don’t have to pretend everything is fucking amazing all the time, but I find it just strengthens the bond to those around me because they often have a story that rivals mine, and I LOVE that shit.

Welcome to DeRoller Coaster!