Things that Drive me Bonkers

  • The sound of people chewing their food. Or really any use of their mouth other than talking that makes noise. I’ve literally broken up with somebody over this… while on a romantic vacation to PANAMA. You’d think I could have waited until we got back home but nope. Dude didn’t know how to eat shrimp tacos. (He also had anger issues and smelled like urine but that’s beside the point)
  • People who get annoyed when you mispronounce their name. “It’s Alaaah-cia, not Aleecia.” Get over yourself. There are literally hundreds of names everybody needs to remember on a daily basis. It’s not my fault your parents gave you the most pretentious sounding name EVER
  • Those tiny little hairs that get stuck in your eyeballs
  • The metro (also called light rail or subway in cities outside of Montreal) Subcategories:
  1. People who walk onto the train as though they’re on a leisurely moonlit stroll DURING RUSH HOUR and stop right in front of the door, as though nobody is behind them ALSO wishing to be transported somewhere
  2. People texting while walking, again, slowwwly during rush hour, thinking they’re multi-tasking when really they are making all 74 people behind them miss their connection or worse, end up in public transit jail (that should be a thing*) for dumping a blueberry breakfast smoothie all over their head. *I imagine it being like a school carnival jail where you actually just hang out and eat candy
  3. People who leave the SOUND ON to get 30 texts a minute from their BFF or watch full length trailers for the next bro-bait cinematic disaster. The last time this happened, I threw a pair of broken earbud headphones I still had in my purse onto the dude’s lap. I didn’t actually, but it would’ve been cool.
  • All women’s underwear
  • Chatty uber drivers. You know what I want to hear in those precious last moments before I’m bombarded by the constant stimulation of working in a professional orchestra? Not you.
  • People who don’t tell you they’re sick until halfway through a visit to your house after they’ve touched all the doorknobs and double dipped their chips in the salsa and made out with you
  • This one guy at work who did an impression of Herbert the Pervert from Family Guy on a tour bus in March 2019 and hasn’t stopped doing it since
  • Extroverts who claim “Oh I’m extroverted AND introverted. I love being around people and I’m usually the life of the party but I need a movie and a glass of wine at home alone once in a while!” Shut up you lost the real introverts at “I love to be around people”