How to be Sick and Single

Despite getting the flu shot a month or so ago when I thought for a hot second that it would make me immune to coronavirus, I came down with a nasty cold this week. Most people have the luxury of taking a few days off of work when they’re sick, but I’m a freelance musician! So you better believe I’m marching that cold into work and sharing my germs like it’s Christmas because orchestra subs don’t get sick leave. If you miss one rehearsal, you miss the whole week and hence the whole week’s pay. Do I care about my colleagues enough to forfeit $substantial amount of money that I depend on to pay my 4-figure rent just so they don’t catch my minor cold? No, no I don’t.

Lucky for me (and my 80 or so colleagues) I had 2 days off before the week’s concert cycle began to shank my cold, and I think I did a pretty amazing job. I don’t think I’ve had somebody take care of me when I was sick since I was young and still living with my mom, and I’m okay with that. I’m not saying I wouldn’t love it if a guy I was dating brought me some soup and a flash drive full of movies to watch together while slowly rubbing my back; but I am REALLY good at taking care of myself, so I thought I’d share some tips.

  • Start stockpiling bones NOW. Chicken bones, you weirdo. Plop that carcass of whatever bone-laden roast you made for dinner in a freezer-safe ziplock bag and into the freezer. Then as soon as you have a free day to chill at home, make a bone broth* in your instant pot. (If you don’t have one of these, get one! You can make things that take hours on the stove in a fraction of the time) *If you’re vegetarian, stockpile the ends of all your veggies: peels, cores, roots, whatever; and make a veggie stock. Chuck a whole bulb of garlic in there, it’s a natural antibiotic.
  • Save 1 litre of this bone broth and whip up a chicken soup (Or do this at your next convenience, but I like to just do it all in one evening while trying to dance to afrobeats and drinking vodka)
  • Now take your freezer-safe ziplocks and freeze all the goodness you just made into 2 cup portions. Next time you’re sick, you’ve already got buttloads of homemade soup and broth to sip, made by the person who loves you most! *wipes away a small tear*
  • At the first sign of a tickly throat, start popping Cold-FX twice a day. I swear this stuff works though at $25 a bottle, you might as well just buy whisky
  • Get yourself to a grocery store before you become a walking snott blanket and stock up on gatorade, saltine crackers, oranges, lemons, ginger, honey and trashy magazines. You won’t really need the gatorade or crackers for a cold, but they’ll come in handy the next time you drink too much tequila/eat bad sushi/contract a trendy virus
  • Every morning for the duration of your cold, blend or shake about 1 cup of orange juice, a tablespoon of lemon juice, a teaspoon of honey, a knob of grated ginger, and a pinch of cayenne and drink before you eat anything.
  • Use your cold as an excuse to bail on ALL the things
  • Put on your best fleece onesie and order enough food from UberEats for 8 people. Tell them you won’t be needing 8 plastic fucking forks though because that’s bad for the environment. 2 will be fine. (Your UberEats driver mustn’t know you are eating all this food by yourself)
  • Have the food delivered directly to your blanket fort.
  • Coerce your cat into the blanket fort and use a wrestling hold to force him to cuddle. If no cat is available, fill up a hot water bottle and hug it, whispering “I love you” until it feels real.
  • Then, when you inevitably have to go to work still kindof sick, there’s nothing wrong with taking a little Sudafed to give people the illusion that you are healthy. Just don’t be a dick; use hand sanitizer every time you fuck up and sneeze or cough into your hand like an animal, and don’t ask to try a sip of your friend’s oat milk latte.

2 comments

  1. David Martin · March 7

    Nice post, Lauren!

    Like

  2. neamh20 · March 7

    omg you make my day. feel better soon honey.

    Like

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